Control the Controllables
Hands up if you’re a self-confessed control freak…? Yep - I see you! I’m just the same - or I have been I guess until recently. I think control is addictive - The more you have the more you want...I’ve always said that I wanted to ‘give it up’ but I just couldn’t, I didn’t know how...
I thought I had it nailed
After my divorce from my first husband when I was thirty, I did a lot of work on myself (many of you will know this already if you have read my story), so at that point I did really relax a huge amount and felt like I was being cared for by a power much greater than me, is how I would explain it. I always felt like I was part of a bigger plan, like things were happening for a reason, sometimes I just struggled with finding it! So when I went through this real, drains-up view of my life, I let go of a lot of the stuff I was hanging on to. Ego, the need to look like I had it all together, the need to always have the answer, the desire to please people...I dropped so much of it and started to travel much lighter, so to speak.
Just when I thought I was cured
But lately I had noticed a lot of it creeping back in. It has happened slowly and over time and has been cute as I didn’t really see it. I know it will have been driven by circumstances which can be stressful - my son starting school, our starting a business from scratch with no real plan, some health issues in the family - and before I knew it I was feeling the same old familiar sensations that come with the need to control. Anxiety, short-temper and headaches in my case!
The Universe Has Your Back
As the Universe always does, it answered me by presenting a book to me. I later then shared this in our Book Club in The Soul System, (our online community of positive souls who are seeking to improve themselves) as it was so powerful it made my head spin! What I learned, amongst many things from reading, ‘The Universe Has Your Back’ by Gabby Bernstein, is that the reason I control is because it makes me feel safe.
Overcome with emotion
Safe - I literally had such an epiphany when I was reading that I was overcome with emotion. With relief! I had been working on my ability to surrender my need to control to the greater power of the Universe - but as hard as I was trying, I knew I wasn’t really doing it in all areas of my life. I was clinging to the illusion that I was in control. I am such a huge believer of all things ‘Universe’, but I just could not get the hang of surrender, as much as I wanted to do so!
I couldn’t work it out - if I wanted to do it, then why couldn’t I commit to it totally? I’m an all or nothing person as a general rule, so why the hell was I clinging to something I wanted to be free from?!
I had to work it out
When it hit me that it was because being in control even though it makes me unhappy, makes me feel safe, I felt the weight of years of challenging myself on this, lift immediately from my shoulders. The control, even though it made me feel anxious and unwell was just the same as any other toxic relationship I had gone through. It was bad for me, it was mean to me, but it was the familiar port in a storm. I was floored by this realisation.
As a young child, things happened to me that I was not in control of, awful things. Somehow as I have grown, being in control of pretty much everything, seems to have been one of the ways in which I’ve tried to take back my power. My fear, my subconscious has been trying to protect me as it always does but its action was misguided. Now it seems so obvious!
My fear of not having control was making me unhappy, even ill at times. I had convinced myself that my control served me well and had helped me be the successful person I am today.
What a crock!
Working with my Coach on it since and talking a lot about it with Cheryl, I have a clear strategy in place of how I can replace this deep routed habit with a new belief and a new behaviour.
And know what? It feels bloody great!
What are you trying to control? How is it serving you? Are you ready to surrender?
P.S. If you need help with controlling and trying to keep such a tight grip on everything and you’re exhausted and want to find another way to live your life - free from this need to control - drop us an email or click to request your FREE Discovery Call now.